


what holds you back

by erintoknow



Series: Aria-Rough Drafts [46]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Fingering, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Kissing, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Pizza Night, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 14:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erintoknow/pseuds/erintoknow
Summary: This might be the hardest fight of your career yet.
Relationships: Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero)
Series: Aria-Rough Drafts [46]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604665
Kudos: 32





	what holds you back

“I thought this second d–date was supposed to be some– to be some super fancy thing.” Julia’s hand in yours feels so warm. You hope you aren’t sweating too much.

“I’m still working on that one.” She pulls you along, up the steps. An echo of an old routine.

Years ago, your heart would be pounding at the thought of being alone with Ortega in her apartment. Now though your heart is pounding at the thought of– okay, so maybe things haven’t changed as much as you’d like to think they have.

At least you’re honest with yourself now.

Totally one-hundred precent honest.

With yourself.

“Are you cool if we just order out for pizza or something?” Julia lets go of your hand as she fiddles with the keys to unlock her door. “I forgot to do groceries yesterday.”

“F–f–forgetting things in your old age, Ortega?” You snicker as Julia takes a lazy swipe in your direction.

“Been a lot going on.”

It’s not like Julia to let a jab at her age slide like that. “Really?” You follow Julia inside, shutting the door behind you, kicking off your shoes without untying the laces. “I th–thought things had been quiet lately?”

“Mm.” Julia glances back at you as she drops her keys and phone on the table. “No Adrestia lately,” you avoid meeting her gaze, “but that casino heist kicked up a hornet’s nest. Lot of buzzing going on.”

You frown at that. “Still? Th–that doesn’t sound good.”

She shakes her head, “Hell, Ari, you’re retired, I shouldn’t be bothering you with this.”

“If it’s bothering you, then it’s–it’s bothering me too.”

There’s a weird moment as you hold Julia’s gaze, like she’s making some sort of calculation. Then it breaks and she gives you a soft smile, a tilt of the head. “I am officially off the clock right now, we don’t need to talk work.”

You sigh. Fine, Julia, keep it to yourself. “W–well then, what are we talk–talking about?”

“Pizza?”

“Very romantic.”

She laughs. “Hey! I’m still working on the next grand gesture.”

You push up your sunglasses, covering your eyes. “Oh god.” You can’t do it. Can’t keep a straight face, crack up as you take off your sunglasses. Leave them on the table with your purse and Julia’s stuff. “Alright C–c–casanova, pizza it is.”

One phone call and a fight over toppings later (Settled for two pizzas, she always wants everything but just pepperoni was always enough for you) the two of you settle in next to each other on the couch to watch TV.

Can’t resist stealing a glance at her. How is this supposed to work?

Blend into the background, hold basic conversations, be small, don’t get noticed, don’t be memorable. That was your training, and this is… everything that isn’t. How are you supposed to behave in a relationship? You’ve been going through library books for research and it all seems terrifying or absurd. God this would be so much easier if you could just read her mind.

“Ari? You’re staring.”

You freeze up, avert your eyes. “S–s–sorry! Sorry!”

Laughter rings in your ears and you shrink down into the seat. “Am I really that mesmerizing?”

You break into a fit of giggles, punch her in the shoulder. “G–g–get real you smug ass.” You run a hand through your hair, pulling at the strands as you try to get a grip on yourself.

“Hey now, it’s not everyone that can back up their hotness with a magazine award.”

Have to bite your lip to keep from smiling as you roll your eyes. “That was a d–decade ago, you c–c–can’t keep clinging to that one. You resting on your laurels?”

“Well…” Julia’s hand creeps up on yours, “I don’t need to worry so much now that I’ve got you.”

You don’t move your hand away, only shake your head in disbelief. “Oh, so y–you’re going to just let it all go now? Julia Ortega, vainest woman this side of the Pacific Ocean?”

“Ouch!” She throws you an exaggerated frown. “You don’t really think that do you?”

Your smile has teeth. “Of c–c–course not, idiot. Like you’d ever stop preening.”

She gasps and shoves you hard, knocking you back on the couch. “Ariadne Becker! The nerve!”

Julia leans over you, and you can’t help but smirk back. Adversarial. Okay. This is more comfortable. You can do this kind of talk. “You like all th–th–that stuff, d–don’t lie.”

“Such a hypocrite.”

“Am n–not.”

Hands find yours, keeping you pinned to the couch. “What’s all this nonsense about covering up scars then?”

You grimace, glare up at her. “Th–that’s different.”

“How’s it different.”

“It’s about n–n–not standing out. B–being safe.” Don’t give people a reason to look closer. Don’t stand out. Contour the face just so, blend out the shadow. Just because you’re capable of wiping the floor with any random jackass doesn’t mean you want to. “I just w–w–want to be normal.”

Julia’s leaning in closer to you, and there’s a strange warmth in your gut. “What makes you think I don’t?”

You arch an eyebrow at her. It’s a struggle to keep your cool. “C–c–come on, you’re– you’re Julia Ortega. Y–you’re always amazing…”

“Is that what you think?” If her face wasn’t glowing before, she is now. Practically on top of you. “And you, Adriadne Becker–” The buzz of the doorbell cuts her off and you both freeze.

“Saved by the b–b-bell.”

Julia pulls back, freeing you to sit up. A smirk on her face as she moves to get the door. “For now.” She tosses the ominous comment over her shoulder. The warmth doesn’t dissipate.

* * *

The screen fades to black and the credits start rolling. You put your beer on the coffee table, shaking your head. “W–w–well, that was a weird movie.”

“Yeah…” Julia shakes her head, one hand rubbing at the back of her neck. “I was kind of expecting something more romantic.”

“You? R–r–romantic?”

“Hey! I can be romantic!” Julia swats at you, only to huff as you pull back out of reach, sticking out your tongue.

“Too slow, old lady.” Laugh at the expression on her face. So indignant! “I meant, w–what’s with the sudden interest in r–romance movies?”

She crosses her arms, “Who says its sudden? It’s been seven years, maybe I became a big aficionado since then.”

“Uh-huh, sure.”

“What about you?” She grins at you. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the books in your purse.”

Eyes go wide at that one. “I–I–I don’t know what you’re talking about.” How does she _always_ pick up on these things?

Julia leans into your space, triumphant. “Liar.”

“It’s uh– It’s been seven years…” You giggle, anxious. Can’t let her get the better of you like this. Rally, try to regain you composure. “W–what were you d–doing in my purse anyway? Ch–ch–checking for condoms?”

The surprise on Julia’s face mirrors your own. What the _fuck_ did you just say?

Surprise melts into warm smile on Julia’s face, and that might be even more terrifying. “How many beers did you have?”

“J–j–just the one!”

“Well, that’s good.” Julia’s hand finds yours as she slides up against you. “I’d hate to be taking advantage of you.”

You ignore the alarm bells ringing in your head, the heat spreading across your face. “I c–can handle myself.” You squeeze her hand, hard, to underline the point.

This is a bad idea. It was a bad idea before, when you got swept away in the heat of the moment. It’s even worse one now, purposefully choosing it.

Ah, fuck it.

You lean into her, beat her to the punch and kiss her first. You’re getting better at this, if the expression on Julia’s face when you break away is any indication. Is that something to be proud of? It feels like it shouldn’t be, but you are anyway. “H–how was that?”

“Mierda, aprendes rápido, ¿no es así?”

Smirk up at her, hopefully you look more confident than you feel.“T–tengo una buena maestra.”

That gets the reaction you were hoping for, with Julia kissing you again. Pushing you down, or you pulling her? Residual fears screaming in the back of your head. But if you aren’t safe with Ortega, who could you be safe with?

Don’t think about that one too hard.

Her hands are on you now, which you return in kind. Following her lead. Or just echoing if you’re feeling less generous. “This is crazy.”

Julia stops. Shit you said that out loud. “What is?”

You bite your cheek, trying not to giggle. “W–w–we can really just… do this?”

“Well… yeah? Of course.” Julia hovers, torn between pulling away from you and staying put. “Is there a problem?”

You shake your head. “N–n–no, I just–” your voice drops, “I n–never could have gotten away with something like this, uh, growing up.” Oh, Ariadne, why did you say that?

Julia catches your eyes, trust her not to let that one slip by. “Oh?” A smile returns to her face, “Did you grow up in a convent or something?”

You breathe an inward sigh of relief. “P–please, have you met me?”

“Theory confirmed, then.”

“Oh f–f–fuck you.”

“Only if you ask nicely.”

“I–I–I wish I c–could.” It’s not like you haven’t thought about it. One time twice in the same day.

“Oh?” Julia’s smile gains a wicked edge. “It’s real easy to do.”

“Oh god.”

“That’s later, don’t get ahead of yourself.” She cackles at your expression. “No, all you need to do is ask…” She leans down, pretty well on top of you now, lips against your ear. “Hey, you want to come to bed with me?”

You can feel your heartbeat in your throat. Ought to leave her hanging, that’ll fix her. Think’s she’s got you right where she wants you.

Well. She’s right.

“O–okay, sure.”

“See? Real easy.”

She takes you by the hand, pulling you off the couch. Let her lead you along. It’s still terrifying, but not as much as before. Haven’t felt nauseous yet, there’s a small miracle.Julia turns to you, “You still need the room dark?”

Nod your head. That’s one thing that isn’t changing any time soon. “S–sorry.”

“Hey,” She squeezes your hand. “I want you to be comfortable, remember?”

“Supposed t–to be fun, right?”

“Now you’re getting it.” Julia laughs, pushing you backwards onto the bed. You watch her draw the blinds shut. Why couldn’t you have been ‘normal’? Things would be so much easier. But then, Julia’s never liked doing things the easy way, has she?

The last light goes out, sending the room into darkness.

“How are we doing?” The bed shifts under you as Julia climbs on top.

“F–f–fine.” You bite your lip, “Y–you?”

“Hm… Peachy.”

“That’s my line.”

“Use it or lose it, Ari.”

Find her in the dark – oh, closer than you thought. “Ass.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath as your hands find her, the contour of her breasts under her shirt. “Hey there.” You try to pull back, muttering a mortified ‘sorry,’ only to have your arm caught in her hand. “You’re fine!” Her hand runs up your arm, finds your shoulder. “You want help with those clothes?”

“I– sure???”

It’s easier, this second time around. Maybe because you’ve already done this once and lived. Maybe it’s because Julia didn’t make a show of stripping before hand and get you worked up. Maybe it’s because there’s some part of you that lights up at the thought of Julia getting her hands on you again.

Not that it’s completely one-sided. Eager to keep Julia at parity with you. Equal footing. Or maybe you just want to touch her. Hear how her breathing changes when your hands get a little too low.

It’s almost like fighting, though you think maybe it’s better to keep that observation to yourself. Study your opponent, key in on their reactions, learn their weak spots. Except, you don’t need to worry about protecting yourself. That part is harder to let go of. It’s Julia’s hands touching you, exploring. Doesn’t mean harm. Isn’t here to hurt. It’s still a strain to not pull away – to not bat away wandering hands.

“You okay?” Julia’s voice comes from a miles away.

You smile, even if she can’t see it. “P–peachy.”

“You’ve gone dead quiet.” A note of concern in her voice. Damn it, you’re messing everything up again.

“It–it–it’s fine,” you insist, more forcefully this time. “I just– this isn’t easy for me.” You fall away from her, backwards onto the bed.

Julia lays down next to you. “Okay. Do you want to try something else?”

The two of you sit there in an awkward silence for what feels like entirely too long.

You weren’t prepared for this part. The sheer amount of talking involved with being with someone – with Julia. TV, Movies, even books made it all seem so easy. Like everyone just knew what to do without ever having to be taught. A whirl of limbs and discarded clothes, pressing bodies together, insert tab A into slot B.

But nothing feels right. Can’t keep yourself from freezing up when Julia’s reaching out to you. It’s not like you don’t want to! It feels good – under the panic. But how do you navigate whatever maze of pitfalls you’ve ensconced yourself in? It’s not like you know any better than Julia does. The must you’ve _ever_ done is…

“Ari?”

“Sorry…”

A hand finds your face, an attempt at reassurance. “Hey, it’s okay…”

“Um–” You take a deep breath, you’re jumping off a ledge with this one. “I–I–I’ve got one idea…”

“Alright, what’s up?” Curiosity in her voice.

“C–can I, um, touch you?”

That gets a laugh. “That’s half the fun isn’t it?”

“W–what’s the other half?”

Her response is low, breathy. “Me touching you.”

Okay, you have to admit you walked into that one. But you’ll get your revenge soon enough. Tracing the outline of her body. “Y–your warm.”

“And your hands are like ice cubes!” She lands a peck on your cheek, missing your lips. “I’m beginning to understand how you survived with all those layers.”

“I–I–I’m actually part lizard.”

“I’d believe it.”

Find her again in the void, trace her hips, the curve of the scar across her abdomen. Memory of an almost-end you saved her from too many years ago. Dip lower, hesitate. “I–is this okay?”

A hand finds yours, pressing you against her. Guess that’s your answer.

The trick, which you learn quickly, is not to think about it too hard. Another way this is like a fight. Focus in on the sound of her breathing, how her breath catches in her throat as you rub against her.Her breath hot against your neck as finger her clit.

Can’t believe you're doing this. Can’t she’s letting you do this. Can’t believe the groan of disappointment that escape’s her mouth as you pause for a second, shift position, find her breast with your free hand, massaging the skin. Julia’s breathing starts to quicken, rocking against your hand. You freeze up, worried you somehow set off a panic attack only to have Julia growl, frustrated with you. “Don’t stop now jackass.”

“S–sorry!” Thankfully she can’t see your manic grin in the dark. Push her over the edge, feeling the way her body tenses and changes under your hands. Julia moans against your ear, and you could just drop dead there on the spot. You’re not sure you ever understood what people meant by ‘hot’ until this moment, because you feel like you’ve been out in the sun for hours. You’re dying for someone to touch you.

Julia shifts against you, as she already knows. “You want me to return the favor?”

“I–” It takes a beat to find your voice again, “y–yes???” If you die in this bed, will it have been worth it? Yes. Yes it will have been worth it.

“Do you have a preference?”

“Um–” You balk. “It–It–it’d be easier just to– just to show you?” Your voice pitches upwards towards the end. Are you seriously thinking about doing this? Are you crazy?

“How?” She doesn’t hide her amusement. She’s dragging this out on purpose isn’t she.

“Hands.”

“Alright.” Her hand finds yours, tracing the scars down your arm. “Show away, Ari.”

“Fuck.” You mutter under your breath. This is crazy. You’re being crazy. Why would she want to touch there? Why would anyone? It’s gross. Don’t be gross Ari.

Try not to grip Julia’s hand too tightly. Put her hand on your leg, pull it up slowly so it doesn’t come as a complete surprise. Plenty of time to change her mind, pull away, come to her senses.

She doesn’t do any of that. Lets you guide her hand up over your boyshorts. Her fingers twitch against you and it’s an act of will to stay still. “Um–”

“I thought you wanted to keep your underwear on?”

“I do! I j–j–j–just–”

“Okay, okay.” She laughs. If you could die right now, that would be great, thanks. “So… what do you want me to…?”

Why does it feel like you’re signing your death warrant? “If y–you– if you want.” You manage to squeak out. “It d–d–doesn’t um… it doesn’t get– uh, hard?” It’s a struggle to force out the words, barely a whisper. “Th–that’s uh– that’s normal…”

“Oh. Okay.” Julia whispers back to you, in the dark, and you can feel her fingers brush against you through the fabric. Just her touch alone is overwhelming. “What – hrm, what should I call it?”

“Um.” Panic threatens to overwhelm you. Never thought about that before. Didn’t think you’d actually get this far. “I–I–I don’t know…?

“Okay,” Julia says, taking this in far better stride than you have any right to expect. “What should I do?”

“J–just… rub it, I guess?” Julia’s hand shifts against you, feeling for the waistband. You have to quickly grab her wrist, panic rising up your throat. “N–n–no! Uh, not– not like that. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Or so she says, she sounds vexed. “What do you usually do?”

Oh god.

“Um–”

Julia guides your hand. “Do you want to just show me?”

She says it so casually! You could faint. Dissolve into the sea. Sink into the earth. “I just–” You shift your hand under Julia’s, pressing against yourself. “…like this?”

“Oh. I get what you meant now.” There’s a terrifying chuckle. “I should have figured.” Julia takes over from you and you squirm under her touch. Her hand pressing against you through the fabric, fingers running along, rubbing against – fuck. It’s not like you have a wealth of data to compare against, but the difference just in having her touch is – you curse at yourself.

“You okay there?”

“F–f–f–fine!” You squeak out, getting a laugh in reply. This is it. You’ve officially lost your mind, Ariadne. But it’s increasingly hard to care over how your body is reacting to Julia’s touch.

You reach out a hand for her, brush against the curve of her breast only to immediately pull back. “Sorry!”

“Hey, it’s fine! You can touch me.” Julia laughs, her hand still down there, and… it’s difficult to think about anything else. “Getting greedy, are we?”

“M–m–maybe.” You reach out to her again, brush against her skin. Way too warm, way too close. “D–doesn’t seem fair?”

“And when have you ever cared about fair play?”

“I’m t–t–trying.” You hiss back at her.

“I’m joking, relax.” More laughter while your face burns to the ground.“Oh, hold that thought, I have idea.” What? No, don’t stop.

“W–w–what?” You don’t like how she purred the word ‘idea.’ Julia lets go of you, reaching up over your face in the dark, you can hear stuff shift around on her nightstand. A kernel of panic seizes up through you. You just have to trust she won’t turn on the light, see the– her boob hits you in the face as Julia pulls open a drawer.

“Whoops, sorry!” She shifts to the side.

You shrink into the bed. “It’s– it’s fine.” You hand finds her hip, safer territory, tracing the outline of her shape as you run your hand down her thigh. The years of scars – faded ridges. Try to calm your heart. Get a grip Chickadee.

“Found the vibe,” Julia says as she pulls back. “Don’t worry, it’s clean.”

“What?”

“Oh honey, please tell me you know what a vibe is.”

“I–I–I know what a vi-vibrator is,” You hiss. “I’m– I’m hopeless, not innocent.”

“Oh?” Julia says, a lilt to her voice. “Is that so?” You hear a quiet buzzing start up, oh god. “Then you won’t mind this?”

“W–what are you–” You suck in your breath as she presses something that is decidedly _not_ her hand just below your belly-button, it’s vibrations traveling across your skin as she drags it down, down, resting against you. You have to grab at the bedsheets, dig your fingers into Julia’s thigh, ground yourself.

Julia laughs, “Ow, easy there!” She leans down over you, awkwardly sandwiching the vibrator against skin on both sides as she kisses your neck. You try to say something as she bites your skin, but it’s incoherent, even for you. You try to counter with a hand in her hair. the other wrapped around her torso. If this was a fight, it’s one you’re losing. Badly.

“F–f–f–fuck–” You breathe out, shaky, unfocused. Pull against her, it feels like you must be piloting some other body – it can’t be yours doing this, feeling like this. Outsider, looking in. That’s unsettling enough a thought to pull you out of it. Force some distance between the two of you.

Julia switches the vibrator off, “Ari? You okay?” Fuck. Worried again. Always worried. What are you supposed to do with worry?

“I’m sorry, I–I–I’m sorry – sorry…”

“Ari.” A hand finds your face again, fingers entwining into your hair. “What on earth are you apologizing for?”

For lying. For giving up. For hiding. For not being good enough. For not being able to do more. For not being a real person.

You can’t say any of that though.

Instead you shift your arms around again, pulling Julia down beside you onto the bed. Press tight against her, feel her body heat against yours. She takes the cue, wrapping an arm over you, hold you tight. “I–I–I thought it– I thought it’d be fine?” You confess.

“Hey, I’m good with whatever pace you want to take.”

You grit your teeth at that. “D–don’t be such a saint Julia. W–w–what if I never get there?”

“Well… we’ll burn that bridge if we come to it.”

“I… I w–want you to promise me something…”

“Done.”

“Idiot. Hear me– hear me out first.” You take a breath, try to calm your heartbeat. “If I– if something… happens to–to–to me… F–forget about me okay?”

“Where is this coming from?” Her arm over you pulls you tighter. “Absolutely not. What are you saying?”

“P–please. Don’t w–waste another seven y–years of your life. Let it– let me go. Move on.”

“Do I need to start escorting you to therapy again? I’m not giving up on you, Ari.”

“I j–just want you to… I want you to be happy.”

“Ass, what makes you think I could ever be happy without you?”

“I’m not– jesus, I’m n–n–not planning on _doing_ something.” You blink your eyes furiously. “It’s just… if something d–did happen… I don’t want to–to be what holds you back.”


End file.
